There is no God, just Hannah Montana

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 Now I consider myself an intelligent, reasonable, and charming
individual. I’ve shaken hands with Bill Clinton and walked around the
campus of Princeton University, so yes, I’m pretty well cultured. Thus
given my intellectual and cultural prowess, I can make the above
statement that Miley Cyrus, better known as the bubbly teen starlet
sensation Hannah Montana, is indeed God or a proper replacement for
your current deity of choice. Of course, I am basing my idea of “God”
on what is popular to female teenage youths at the moment. If you have
any qualms with my views or are a Buddhist, please ignore the rest of
this piece.

Now that we’ve gotten rid of those pesky Buddhists, let’s consider the
real issue at hand. As you’re probably aware, you being a user of the
internet and capable of accessing news sources, you’ve possibly seen
the fiasco that Miley Cyrus has caused. Adored by millions of preteen
girls throughout the world, along with their parents, Ms. Cyrus
created a bit of a stir in the past weeks, much to the discontent of
her parent company, almighty Disney. Some raunchy photographs have
surfaced, a few of which might make even the most laid back of
polygamist fundamentalist Christians cringe just a bit. In said
photographs Miley is sprawled across the legs of a male friend,
teasing the camera with a glimpse of her cleavage, and in another,
kissing a boy! Relations with the opposite sex are a cause for moral
outrage at this age but Miley knows how to play the media to her
benefit. The photographs themselves aren’t even all that bad, nothing
worse than what you’d find on a fourteen year old’s myspace profile.
By those standards, Miley’s exposed bellybutton and cleavage are quite
tame.

However, the mere fact that Miley took these photos is unsettling and
the good folks at Disney surely wouldn’t agree to such reckless
photography. Although Miley apologized and regrets taking these
photographs, that didn’t stop her from doing a risqué photo shoot with
an apparently famous photographer by the name of Annie Leibovitz. In
reality, Annie was never famous and has only become famous because of
this incident. Nonetheless, the new photos that are appearing in
Vanity Fair magazine, (soon to be in the waiting room of your local
dentist or salon) show Miley in even more controversial poses. Clothed
in only a sheet, baring her back, and looking like something out of
“The Exorcist”, Miley has yet again shunned her whimsy preteen
ideologies for a more mature and perhaps paler look. But to save face
and remain squeaky clean under the Disney banner, Miley apologized for
these photographs too.

Miley’s fans still won’t turn their backs on her, and why should they?
She has provided them with a cute television show about an average
girl just trying to get by while struggling with the difficulties of
being a famous pop singer. Yes I know, it makes no sense whatsoever
but obviously, most girls can relate to those situations. Furthermore,
she’s made us realize that Montana is actually a state again, and not
just a clever rhyming last name.

As such, she’s become Disney’s shining star, dominating over previous
Disney girls like Hillary Duff and Raven-Symoné. When’s the last time
you read anything about them? Duff has made a handful of box office
failures and Raven has stepped back from the limelight entirely. But I
bet you did hear about that one skank from Disney’s other cash cow,
High School Musical. A few nude photos of Vanessa Hudgens does indeed,
rake in the money and grabs the attention of teenagers who thought
Disney was lame and just for runny nosed toddlers. However, it can
isolate those who feel that being so overly scandalous can demean
today’s typical preteen girls. Miley blends the best of both worlds
together.

Yes, little starlet Cyrus has harnessed the power of being both trashy
and classy at the same time. To influence hordes of our nation’s most
impressionable individuals, preteen girls, is the gateway to eternal
power and possible godhood. She has tapped into the most lucrative
market, and she’s yet to show a nipple. Given her young age of
fifteen, she’ll be able to buy Norway and possibly Arizona by the time
she is eighteen. By the time she’s thirty, she shall rule the globe
with a glittery iron fist. Disney has indeed found the best girl for
the job. A real girl with real issues but still willing to do the
wacky photoshoot and apologize for it later. That’s a girl you’d want
to bring home to the family and control the cultural landscape of
Western civilization with.

All praise Hannah Montana.

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